One of my cousins asked me about how to support friends or family members who struggle with infertility, and I thought I would share a (far from exhaustive) list of ideas.
Ways You Can Support Your Infertile Friend
1. Only give the advice she asks for.
You probably have opinions about fertility-related subjects, and may feel the urge to share. But chances are that your friend might already be overwhelmed with the information from her gynecologist or fertility specialist. And fertility decisions can be difficult to make. So if she asks for a specific piece of advice, give only the information she's after without judgment ("you should..." or "this cure for infertility" or "this cause of infertility" is usually not what she's looking for). If she doesn't ask, trust that she is thinking her decisions through with the help of her doctors, her husband, and God - and let that be enough.Going along with this, be careful of the stories you share about your other friends with infertility. She may not want to hear about your friend who adopted a child and immediately got pregnant, or your friend whose IVF resulted in triplets, or your friend who has tried for 15 years without success. Every woman's journey is different, and unless she asks for stories she is trying to focus on her own - praying for the answers that will guide her through her story. So if you share someone's fertility blog post with her, make sure she knows that you know her story might be different, and don't be offended if she doesn't read it at all.
2. Be patient with her.
She knows you are simply concerned about her. But it can be hard to talk about infertility sometimes. Let her share her journey with you on her terms. She will know what you're asking about with a simple, sincere "How are you?", and if she wants to share details she will. If she does, let her know you appreciate her opening up to you. If she doesn't, give her a hug anyway! She will be more willing to open up if you aren't specific about your questions than if you are, because she won't feel pressured to share anything she doesn't want to. Also, never ever ask her if she's pregnant or jokingly imply from something she said that she is pregnant. When she is, she will let you know! Believe me, she will be excited when that time comes. But be patient with her until she decides to announce it.3. Keep in contact with her.
She understands that infertility is hard to talk about for people who don't have personal experience with it (heck, it's even hard for her to talk about sometimes). But she needs your friendship, love and support now more than ever. Be real with her and accept that this is part of her life, even if you don't completely understand it. Be her friend and help lift her up by being yourself around her. This includes not hiding a pregnancy announcement from her, and expressing your love for your children. But patience applies here too. If she doesn't feel like participating in your baby shower (or any other activities, really), let her decline the invitation - but keep inviting her, because she desperately needs to know she is loved and included.4. Pray for her.
This one is obvious, but so important. Pray that she will be uplifted, comforted and guided. Pray for inspiration about how you can help. Frankly, she usually doesn't want you to let her know that you're praying for her to get pregnant. Obviously that's the goal and she's definitely praying for that, but it's the end of the journey, and probably not where she's at now. Instead, simply let her know that she is in your prayers, and ask her what you can include in your prayers for her! If she tells you about an upcoming appointment she's nervous about, let her know that you will pray for it to go according to plan.5. Let her feel.
She will hurt, and it might be uncomfortable to feel like you can't help her. She will probably smile when it's obvious she doesn't feel like smiling. It is OK to let her hurt, to let her cry, or to let her smile. Support her through all of her trials or happy times, because she will have both! And always validate her desire to be a mother. I wish I could say that people haven't told me, "You're young! Don't worry about having kids now, it will happen! Live a little first!" This hurts. Instead of diminishing her efforts, tell her you admire her desire to be a mother. Tell her you're there for her when it hurts. She will appreciate your acceptance.6. Let her learn.
She is learning all kinds of things from her experiences. Allow her to learn at her own pace. Don't tell her that it will all work out, because she's trying to learn that "working out" might mean something different to God than it does for her. That is a hard lesson to learn, and it will take prayer and faith on her part to build that kind of trust in Heavenly Father.She appreciates kind thoughts though, and will usually be grateful if you decide to share a talk or inspirational message with her (through Facebook, email, or in person). Initiate discussions on spiritual subjects* with her, because she needs the extra spiritual boost that pondering the Gospel will give.
*Spiritual subjects including family and children, as long as you are tactful about it. She will shut down if you start talking about LDS cultural beliefs (not official doctrine) like, "I feel so happy the Lord saw that I was worthy to be a mother." This implies that she is not worthy to be a mother, which is far from the truth. (Otherwise, why do unmarried teens or prostitutes have children?) And... stepping off the soapbox now.
Like I said at the beginning, this list is far from comprehensive. If you have any questions about how to support your infertile friend (or about infertility in general), please, PLEASE ask them. I'm sharing my experience to help others, and I can't come up with all of the questions about the topic on my own.
Also, I know that a lot of what I've said is a bit harsher than my last post, but I wanted to be as specific as I could to help you understand, and to help you help your friends. And for those of you who have accidentally misstepped and said something you shouldn't have to one of your infertile friends, it is OK. It really is OK. We're all learning together. You are wonderful for trying to help, and your friend understands that. She loves you no matter what. I certainly do.
Thanks all, and have a fantastic weekend.
