Musings at Six Months

Wow, I can't believe it's been 6 months of pregnancy already! We are so excited to meet our little man, and yet I am also nervous and apprehensive at the same time. Am I really ready to be a mom? Sometimes I think so, especially given all the time Hubby and I had together without kids (when I just wanted to be a MOMMY!), but there is so much improvement I know I need to make before this little one makes his grand entrance. Well, we're all just trying to do our best, right? Elder Holland's words this last conference sure comforted me (and also made me cry ugly tears):

Our little man is growing right on target, and his measurements are all in the 50th percentile or so, except for his little belly which is somewhere around the 85th! He may be a little chubby dude, and I will love and cuddle every little chub on him. We love him so much already. I also love seeing his picture on my phone every time I turn on the screen.

Isn't this the most perfect little profile?

I've also been working hard to stay somewhat healthy by trying to exercise at least a few times a week. I'm so glad we live so close to so many trails! Walking has become one of the best ways for me to work up a sweat without overworking myself. I also love the online 10-minute prenatal yoga classes my sister-in-law recommended - they help a lot with aches and pains (especially backaches!).

Also, I'm finally starting to show, at least in profile. This picture was from a few weeks ago (at 23 weeks, I'm 26.5 now. It's not the greatest shot, but at least you get a view of the bump):

Obligatory bump photo :-)

OK, getting really real here:

I've been hesitant to post too much about my pregnancy online because I know how hard it can be scrolling through Facebook and seeing pregnant bellies and ultrasound pictures when that is the thing you want the most in the world. I still haven't figured out how I feel about reconciling the infertile me with the finally-I'm-going-to-be-a-biological-mother me, if that makes sense. There is not a lot I can say to those of my friends who are still struggling that would be comforting. I know, since I've been there! For those friends, it's okay to feel pain. It's okay to just scroll past the baby posts and ignore them.

But it's also okay for those of us who finally have that longed-for blessing in sight to celebrate that miracle. Goodness knows I've been through enough that I can be happy about it, right?

I would love to hear your thoughts, friends. Thanks for reading!

How to Support Your Infertile Friend

Hey all! I have been overwhelmed with the positive response to my infertility post. Thank you for reading, and for your support. It means the world to me.

One of my cousins asked me about how to support friends or family members who struggle with infertility, and I thought I would share a (far from exhaustive) list of ideas.

Ways You Can Support Your Infertile Friend

1. Only give the advice she asks for.

You probably have opinions about fertility-related subjects, and may feel the urge to share. But chances are that your friend might already be overwhelmed with the information from her gynecologist or fertility specialist. And fertility decisions can be difficult to make. So if she asks for a specific piece of advice, give only the information she's after without judgment ("you should..." or "this cure for infertility" or "this cause of infertility" is usually not what she's looking for). If she doesn't ask, trust that she is thinking her decisions through with the help of her doctors, her husband, and God - and let that be enough.

Going along with this, be careful of the stories you share about your other friends with infertility. She may not want to hear about your friend who adopted a child and immediately got pregnant, or your friend whose IVF resulted in triplets, or your friend who has tried for 15 years without success. Every woman's journey is different, and unless she asks for stories she is trying to focus on her own - praying for the answers that will guide her through her story. So if you share someone's fertility blog post with her, make sure she knows that you know her story might be different, and don't be offended if she doesn't read it at all.

2. Be patient with her.

She knows you are simply concerned about her. But it can be hard to talk about infertility sometimes. Let her share her journey with you on her terms. She will know what you're asking about with a simple, sincere "How are you?", and if she wants to share details she will. If she does, let her know you appreciate her opening up to you. If she doesn't, give her a hug anyway! She will be more willing to open up if you aren't specific about your questions than if you are, because she won't feel pressured to share anything she doesn't want to. Also, never ever ask her if she's pregnant or jokingly imply from something she said that she is pregnant. When she is, she will let you know! Believe me, she will be excited when that time comes. But be patient with her until she decides to announce it.

3. Keep in contact with her.

She understands that infertility is hard to talk about for people who don't have personal experience with it (heck, it's even hard for her to talk about sometimes). But she needs your friendship, love and support now more than ever. Be real with her and accept that this is part of her life, even if you don't completely understand it. Be her friend and help lift her up by being yourself around her. This includes not hiding a pregnancy announcement from her, and expressing your love for your children. But patience applies here too. If she doesn't feel like participating in your baby shower (or any other activities, really), let her decline the invitation - but keep inviting her, because she desperately needs to know she is loved and included.

4. Pray for her.

This one is obvious, but so important. Pray that she will be uplifted, comforted and guided. Pray for inspiration about how you can help. Frankly, she usually doesn't want you to let her know that you're praying for her to get pregnant. Obviously that's the goal and she's definitely praying for that, but it's the end of the journey, and probably not where she's at now. Instead, simply let her know that she is in your prayers, and ask her what you can include in your prayers for her! If she tells you about an upcoming appointment she's nervous about, let her know that you will pray for it to go according to plan.

5. Let her feel.

She will hurt, and it might be uncomfortable to feel like you can't help her. She will probably smile when it's obvious she doesn't feel like smiling. It is OK to let her hurt, to let her cry, or to let her smile. Support her through all of her trials or happy times, because she will have both! And always validate her desire to be a mother. I wish I could say that people haven't told me, "You're young! Don't worry about having kids now, it will happen! Live a little first!" This hurts. Instead of diminishing her efforts, tell her you admire her desire to be a mother. Tell her you're there for her when it hurts. She will appreciate your acceptance.

6. Let her learn.

She is learning all kinds of things from her experiences. Allow her to learn at her own pace. Don't tell her that it will all work out, because she's trying to learn that "working out" might mean something different to God than it does for her. That is a hard lesson to learn, and it will take prayer and faith on her part to build that kind of trust in Heavenly Father.

She appreciates kind thoughts though, and will usually be grateful if you decide to share a talk or inspirational message with her (through Facebook, email, or in person). Initiate discussions on spiritual subjects* with her, because she needs the extra spiritual boost that pondering the Gospel will give.

*Spiritual subjects including family and children, as long as you are tactful about it. She will shut down if you start talking about LDS cultural beliefs (not official doctrine) like, "I feel so happy the Lord saw that I was worthy to be a mother." This implies that she is not worthy to be a mother, which is far from the truth. (Otherwise, why do unmarried teens or prostitutes have children?) And... stepping off the soapbox now.


Like I said at the beginning, this list is far from comprehensive. If you have any questions about how to support your infertile friend (or about infertility in general), please, PLEASE ask them. I'm sharing my experience to help others, and I can't come up with all of the questions about the topic on my own.

Also, I know that a lot of what I've said is a bit harsher than my last post, but I wanted to be as specific as I could to help you understand, and to help you help your friends. And for those of you who have accidentally misstepped and said something you shouldn't have to one of your infertile friends, it is OK. It really is OK. We're all learning together. You are wonderful for trying to help, and your friend understands that. She loves you no matter what. I certainly do.

Thanks all, and have a fantastic weekend.

For the Mothers Without Children

So, this post has been a long time in coming - it has been getting the better of me. I've written and re-written it several times, but today I felt inspired that now is the time for me to share my story.

As many of our friends know and as several probably suspect, my husband and I struggle with infertility. We both come from large families, love children, and have dreamed of raising a family since we were children.

But when we got married, our plan for our life wasn't quite what we expected. We took a break from school to work and settle into married life. We went back to school. We went through really tough financial times. We both went through several jobs. We finally finished school. We came to Washington State for Michael's first "real" job. All without having children.

Of course, all along the way we hoped. We prayed. We visited doctors, but they couldn't do much for us because our student insurance didn't cover infertility, and we certainly couldn't pay for treatments with our nearly-zero bank account balance.

When we moved to Washington we were blessed with a job with amazing benefits, and with the encouragement and love of my husband and of God, I finally humbled myself enough to see a fertility specialist. We have been going through treatments with the guidance and counsel of our doctors, and are hopeful that we are on the right path to parenthood.

just the two of us :-)

You Are Mothers

One of my heroines, Sister Sheri L. Dew, gave this fantastic talk, "Are We Not All Mothers?". I have read it again and again. She says,

"While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve 'the mother of all living' —and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality, righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us....

"For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led."

A few months ago I was pondering these words, when Heavenly Father inspired me by putting these words in my mind: "Sarah, this trial isn't just about you." Of course, He was right! He inspired me to reach out and write this blog post. So I'm blogging not because my husband or I want attention, sympathy, or advice.* I also don't want to chronicle all the details of my journey here - that would make it only about me. This article is for you mothers out there who have not yet borne children, or who have borne but lost them, who have not yet gotten married, or who are struggling with any number of related trials. This is for you.

You Are Strong

These are hard things that you struggle with. They aren't called struggles for nothing! Even when you simply feel tired, when you don't want to get out of bed and face the world, you get up and you try again. You are an example of enduring to the end, especially when you can't see the end. You. Are. Strong. 

You Are Courageous

Your trials come with big-time fears - some of which were obstacles you swore you would never have to face! But Nelson Mandela said, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave [woman] is not [s]he who does not feel afraid, but [s]he who conquers that fear." When you are afraid to pursue a course of treatment because it frightens you, but you do it anyway; when you deal with imbalanced hormones that change your moods and mess with your mind, but you live your life anyway; when you the step right in front of you is into the dark, but you rely on God and take it anyway - know that You. Are. Courageous.

You Are A Daughter of God

Just like you yearn for your children to come to you, Heavenly Father yearns for you to come back to Him. He says to you, 

"Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee." (Isaiah 49:15)

God is truly your Heavenly Father. He wants you to trust Him, to follow Him, to find hope. I plead as Jacob pleads, "cleave unto God as he cleaveth unto you" (Jacob 6:5). Remember: You are a precious daughter of God.

You Are Not Alone

We are all in this together. Even though every woman's struggles are individual, unique, and sometimes hidden, we all have them! This is what should bring us all together. Don't feel alone in this (or any) trial, because there are so many women who want to love you for who you are. I would be lost today without the patience, love and kindness of my visiting teachers and friends, who loved my husband and me for who we are, without judgment. If I could, I would reach through this screen and hug every single woman who, for one reason or another, does not have that child she so desperately misses. 

Most importantly, God does not leave you alone. Even in those dark and heartwrenching minutes, hours or days after you discover that that time of the month has come yet again - or when it doesn't and the pregnancy test is negative again - and when you are angry or in despair, He is there. He wants to lift you up. Turn to Him, because I tell you, He is there. You. Are. Not. Alone. 

I love you, sisters - whether I know you or not, my heart reaches out to you. Please contact me if I can do anything - even if it's just to listen. 

*(Speaking for all those who struggle with infertility, we do need prayers, friendship, and acceptance, though, and I am inexpressibly grateful to those who have offered those things to us. For other ideas on how to help, check out this article.)

Gallery Wall

This will be a quick post: I just wanted to brag a bit about the gallery wall my husband helped me hang a few days ago! It took us a while to hang it all up, partially because Command strips and I aren't exactly on friendly terms. The good news was, Hubs was a bit more persistent (and yes, he was happy to pull out some of his tools to help). Anywho, was it worth it? I think so, if I do say so myself. :-)

As far as the colors go, the orange was Hubby's choice, and I decided on a teal-ish to complement it. Photos of the throw pillows for the couch (which pillow covers have yet to be made...) are yet to come!

Here's what I did:

Round mirrors: a wedding gift that have been sitting in storage for at least a year (from Target, I believe).

Framed pictures: home-printed photos in thrifted, painted frames. (I just used a bunch of coats of acrylic craft paint, although I'm sure spray paint would have been faster and easier. Use what you have first though, right? As my mom always quoted: use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without!).

H painting (top middle): a canvas that I've had in my art supplies forever, painted using a circle stencil, with a $3.50 JoAnn wooden letter hot-glued on (again painted with acrylic craft paint).

Dahlia art (middle): This has been something I've wanted to make since I first had a Pinterest account. I followed this tutorial (very loosely). :-) Then I just hot-glued it to a piece of white cardboard I had in the frame.

Teal, wooden square (bottom right): I used an old wooden square that my husband had lying around, then decorated it using this blog post about DIY wallpaper. My husband is a fan of the modern, Moroccan-style print, and I love it too.

Birch art (my personal favorite!) (bottom middle): I found this idea from this page that I found on Pinterest. The hubby and I saw it, and we both immediately said, "Oooooh!" I did change up the background to incorporate the more vibrant colors of our living room - which turned into fun sunset colors! (Yes, that was totally planned... not!) One notable difference from the tutorial: instead of gold leaf for the initials in the heart, I used... drumroll please... metallic nail polish. True story.

Aaaand, that's it (apart from getting inspired by a bunch of pins on Pinterest about gallery walls)! I love it. I keep looking in my living room and thinking, "Is this really my living room?" I love being more creative than I think I am. :-)

Anyway, thanks for stopping by, friends!

The Sweetest Days

Hey, it's been a while! It's my fault it's been this long... I've been working on a blog post for months that I really feel like I need to write, but I finally realized that I don't have to put my whole blog on hold until I write what "needs" to be written. (It's a metaphor for life really... more on that later.) Anywho, stay tuned for that big blog post; it's coming! :-)

For now, today is best summed up in Anne Shirley's words:

"I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly" (L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea, p. 160).

I had a funny experience today. I was going along, multitasking by playing Netflix in the background while I attempted housewifery, when my Internet went out. At first I was mad at the modem and tried everything I could to fix the darned thing. Then I sullenly sat and ate my lunch. Then after I was no longer "hangry", I told myself, "well, I'm probably more productive without it anyway. I'll pop in a CD and make a card." So I did, and I had one of the happiest, most peaceful afternoons I've had in a long while. I was creative, I got to sing my lungs out to a silly Girl's Camp mix CD, and I wasn't burdened by the compulsion to check Bookface (as Hubby facetiously refers to it) or my email.

Another sweet day for me (although much more splendid than today was!) happened last Saturday. My mom came up to visit so we could attend Time Out for Women together! It was fantastic - spiritual, fun, filled with laughter and happy tears. I truly needed it - not only for the "time out" it was for me and Mom, but because it was replete with little promptings from Heavenly Father that I am worth it to God, that my differences are a good thing, and that I am truly loved.

My beautiful & fabulous mom and I :-)

As my mom told me afterwards, it helped both of us face the week with a little more joy.

I think we could all use days like that. The awesome thing? We can! Today I had a great day because I unplugged and engaged in creating something. Saturday I had an awesome day because I was connected with my mom, and because I immersed myself in the love of God through spiritual messages. These are all things we can do daily! That's why the seminary answers are what they are (pray, read the scriptures, etc...), because they are true: they are the simple little things we need to do daily to feel God's love for us.

I wasn't intending for this to become a sermon, but to bare a little bit of myself today. I'm having a happy day, and I want all my friends to as well.

The point is, go have one of the sweetest days. Feel the sunshine on your face (if you're in Seattle, today is beautiful!), or the wonderful rain. Enjoy the simple little pleasures. Live :-)