As many of our friends know and as several probably suspect, my husband and I struggle with infertility. We both come from large families, love children, and have dreamed of raising a family since we were children.
But when we got married, our plan for our life wasn't quite what we expected. We took a break from school to work and settle into married life. We went back to school. We went through really tough financial times. We both went through several jobs. We finally finished school. We came to Washington State for Michael's first "real" job. All without having children.
Of course, all along the way we hoped. We prayed. We visited doctors, but they couldn't do much for us because our student insurance didn't cover infertility, and we certainly couldn't pay for treatments with our nearly-zero bank account balance.
When we moved to Washington we were blessed with a job with amazing benefits, and with the encouragement and love of my husband and of God, I finally humbled myself enough to see a fertility specialist. We have been going through treatments with the guidance and counsel of our doctors, and are hopeful that we are on the right path to parenthood.
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| just the two of us :-) |
You Are Mothers
One of my heroines, Sister Sheri L. Dew, gave this fantastic talk, "Are We Not All Mothers?". I have read it again and again. She says,"While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve 'the mother of all living' —and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality, righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us....
"For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led."A few months ago I was pondering these words, when Heavenly Father inspired me by putting these words in my mind: "Sarah, this trial isn't just about you." Of course, He was right! He inspired me to reach out and write this blog post. So I'm blogging not because my husband or I want attention, sympathy, or advice.* I also don't want to chronicle all the details of my journey here - that would make it only about me. This article is for you mothers out there who have not yet borne children, or who have borne but lost them, who have not yet gotten married, or who are struggling with any number of related trials. This is for you.
You Are Strong
These are hard things that you struggle with. They aren't called struggles for nothing! Even when you simply feel tired, when you don't want to get out of bed and face the world, you get up and you try again. You are an example of enduring to the end, especially when you can't see the end. You. Are. Strong.
You Are Courageous
Your trials come with big-time fears - some of which were obstacles you swore you would never have to face! But Nelson Mandela said, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave [woman] is not [s]he who does not feel afraid, but [s]he who conquers that fear." When you are afraid to pursue a course of treatment because it frightens you, but you do it anyway; when you deal with imbalanced hormones that change your moods and mess with your mind, but you live your life anyway; when you the step right in front of you is into the dark, but you rely on God and take it anyway - know that You. Are. Courageous.
You Are A Daughter of God
Just like you yearn for your children to come to you, Heavenly Father yearns for you to come back to Him. He says to you,
"Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee." (Isaiah 49:15)God is truly your Heavenly Father. He wants you to trust Him, to follow Him, to find hope. I plead as Jacob pleads, "cleave unto God as he cleaveth unto you" (Jacob 6:5). Remember: You are a precious daughter of God.
You Are Not Alone
We are all in this together. Even though every woman's struggles are individual, unique, and sometimes hidden, we all have them! This is what should bring us all together. Don't feel alone in this (or any) trial, because there are so many women who want to love you for who you are. I would be lost today without the patience, love and kindness of my visiting teachers and friends, who loved my husband and me for who we are, without judgment. If I could, I would reach through this screen and hug every single woman who, for one reason or another, does not have that child she so desperately misses.
Most importantly, God does not leave you alone. Even in those dark and heartwrenching minutes, hours or days after you discover that that time of the month has come yet again - or when it doesn't and the pregnancy test is negative again - and when you are angry or in despair, He is there. He wants to lift you up. Turn to Him, because I tell you, He is there. You. Are. Not. Alone.
I love you, sisters - whether I know you or not, my heart reaches out to you. Please contact me if I can do anything - even if it's just to listen.
*(Speaking for all those who struggle with infertility, we do need prayers, friendship, and acceptance, though, and I am inexpressibly grateful to those who have offered those things to us. For other ideas on how to help, check out this article.)
